Hi Peoplehood.
I've been a member of blogger.com for months now, however, i can't seem to start a blog though i've been writing a few in my notebook ( i call it my Destiny quotable cutebook ). it's like a diary with a twist. It contains quotes, dialogues from my fave movies and tv series, my fave text messages received, song lyrics, etc. Anything that i would love to write and its actually handwritten and its quite messy nyahaha. I'll just share some of it on my next blogs. Since i don't know how to start my blog on this site( one reason is, im very amazed on how bloggers write, and im quite shy to publish cause i still have grammar errors. well, its okay though, i just want to voice out whatever the hell im feeling or thinking hehe.), let me just publish the blog i've made in my friendster account months ago, a day before my birthday.it's about my Dad.. well, hope i can still follow this up nyahaha. till my next blogs.
winn out.
9.20.08. it’s 1:19 am. saturday.
i’m here in my pad in manila, alone, just checking my friendster accounts and chatting with some of my friends thru ym.
in less than few hours, i’ll be home in baguio.
in less than 24 hours, it’ll be my 29th year.
i don’t know what prompt me,
i hit the create blog button of my profile.
i just wanna write or type or think or whatever. it’s been months since i’ve made my last blog or write in my quotable quote notebook.
maybe i just wanna tell my story. maybe…
5 months ago, my life changed.
i’m on my way to baguio when my sister called that our dad was rushed to the hospital. it’s his 5th stroke. for the last two consecutive strokes that he had, i was the one who rushed him to the hospital with my brothers and just for a few minutes, he’s okay again… my dad was the strongest person that i’ve ever known because even if he had 4 strokes, he never felt that he was weak. he always thinks that he’s still the same workaholic father who can do anything even if he can’t… i went straight to the hospital hoping that he’s awake just like before. but then when i saw him in the ICU, he’s asleep. my mama asked me to wake him up because it’s been hours and he’s not yet awake… maybe i could be the one who could wake him because i’m his girl… for hours, days, weeks… we’ve waited. but then he just laid there. the doctors told us that we’re just waiting for his time. but we knew our dad. we knew he’s fighting. then, we decided to take him home cause knowing our dad, it’s what he wants. my bro & sis who, are both nurses along with my other bro who followed his steps as a dentist was his “doctors”. in a week they taught me everything that i could possibly learn because even if they don’t want to, they have to leave to work overseas. we were hoping that even if he’s still in coma, we were praying for a miracle. when they left, i took care of him day and night. i’ve learned how to be a “doctor” too. i know that even if he’s not responding, he can hear me. i’m always telling him that even if he just lay there, i’ll take care of him no matter what, i even lay beside his bed, checking every hour his vital signs and suctioning his trach & mouth as needed. he was better at home rather than he was at the hospital. for weeks, his respirator and oxygen was slowly removed. though he was already opening his eyes for a few moments, i don’t know if he can see me but i know he can hear & feel me… i always say that it’s okay,dad. as long as you’re here with me… for months, i never left him or slept unless someone is there to look after him… and then, on a saturday morning, july 5th. it was my dreaded moment… i opened the window, as i always do whenever the sun rises. checked his pulse oximeter and it was okay. i was alone with him. i did’nt know what happened… i just dozed off. i just woke up when i heard my brother screamed that my dad has no motion. i checked his oximeter, it was blank. i tried to resuscitate him thru CPR and even used the ambobag… but then nothing happened.. he was warm but he’s not breathing… my brother told me to give up… i was screaming because if i did’nt sleep, maybe he’s still alive. i felt that it’s my fault. for hours, i screamed and cried… it was my darkest moment. after he was cleaned up, i sat beside him. he’s still warm and when i look at his face… he was smiling. and then, i realized, he can’t feel any pain anymore. he’s already resting… and then i thought, he really love me that much that he did’nt let me see him struggled for his breath. he was the one who let me fell asleep… he just wants to spend time with me even for 2 months because for the past 2-3 years that i’ve been working here in manila, we didn’t spend much time together wherein eversince i was a child i was with him all the time. that’s why he fought for a longer time so that we could be together even for awhile… it’s 2 & a half month since he was laid to rest at heaven’s garden… i went out straight and be with my friends so that i could smile and laugh again…
and its been weeks now that i’m back here to continue what i’ve started… but then… i still don’t know what to do… i still don’t know what i like… i’m not yet focused… . when i’m alone, i’m just staring at nowhere, thinking . i can still feel the pain, hurt, loneliness and emptiness within me…i’m not yet fine, i’m not yet well… in a few hours, i’m going home…in a few hours, its my 29Th year. it’ll be different now knowing that he’s not there to pray for me as he always do whenever my birthday comes.
i’ll be going to see him… i’ll ask for his guidance, to give me strength, courage and will to move on and letting go of all the emptiness that i’m feeling right now… and i know, as always, he’ll give me not what i want… but what he thinks i need and what he thinks is right for me. i know there’ll be signs… i just have to follow, believe, trust him and most especially pray. i know he’s watching over me… he is and he will always be… my guardian angel.
in less than few hours, i’ll be home in baguio.
in less than 24 hours, it’ll be my 29th year.
i don’t know what prompt me,
i hit the create blog button of my profile.
i just wanna write or type or think or whatever. it’s been months since i’ve made my last blog or write in my quotable quote notebook.
maybe i just wanna tell my story. maybe…
5 months ago, my life changed.
i’m on my way to baguio when my sister called that our dad was rushed to the hospital. it’s his 5th stroke. for the last two consecutive strokes that he had, i was the one who rushed him to the hospital with my brothers and just for a few minutes, he’s okay again… my dad was the strongest person that i’ve ever known because even if he had 4 strokes, he never felt that he was weak. he always thinks that he’s still the same workaholic father who can do anything even if he can’t… i went straight to the hospital hoping that he’s awake just like before. but then when i saw him in the ICU, he’s asleep. my mama asked me to wake him up because it’s been hours and he’s not yet awake… maybe i could be the one who could wake him because i’m his girl… for hours, days, weeks… we’ve waited. but then he just laid there. the doctors told us that we’re just waiting for his time. but we knew our dad. we knew he’s fighting. then, we decided to take him home cause knowing our dad, it’s what he wants. my bro & sis who, are both nurses along with my other bro who followed his steps as a dentist was his “doctors”. in a week they taught me everything that i could possibly learn because even if they don’t want to, they have to leave to work overseas. we were hoping that even if he’s still in coma, we were praying for a miracle. when they left, i took care of him day and night. i’ve learned how to be a “doctor” too. i know that even if he’s not responding, he can hear me. i’m always telling him that even if he just lay there, i’ll take care of him no matter what, i even lay beside his bed, checking every hour his vital signs and suctioning his trach & mouth as needed. he was better at home rather than he was at the hospital. for weeks, his respirator and oxygen was slowly removed. though he was already opening his eyes for a few moments, i don’t know if he can see me but i know he can hear & feel me… i always say that it’s okay,dad. as long as you’re here with me… for months, i never left him or slept unless someone is there to look after him… and then, on a saturday morning, july 5th. it was my dreaded moment… i opened the window, as i always do whenever the sun rises. checked his pulse oximeter and it was okay. i was alone with him. i did’nt know what happened… i just dozed off. i just woke up when i heard my brother screamed that my dad has no motion. i checked his oximeter, it was blank. i tried to resuscitate him thru CPR and even used the ambobag… but then nothing happened.. he was warm but he’s not breathing… my brother told me to give up… i was screaming because if i did’nt sleep, maybe he’s still alive. i felt that it’s my fault. for hours, i screamed and cried… it was my darkest moment. after he was cleaned up, i sat beside him. he’s still warm and when i look at his face… he was smiling. and then, i realized, he can’t feel any pain anymore. he’s already resting… and then i thought, he really love me that much that he did’nt let me see him struggled for his breath. he was the one who let me fell asleep… he just wants to spend time with me even for 2 months because for the past 2-3 years that i’ve been working here in manila, we didn’t spend much time together wherein eversince i was a child i was with him all the time. that’s why he fought for a longer time so that we could be together even for awhile… it’s 2 & a half month since he was laid to rest at heaven’s garden… i went out straight and be with my friends so that i could smile and laugh again…
and its been weeks now that i’m back here to continue what i’ve started… but then… i still don’t know what to do… i still don’t know what i like… i’m not yet focused… . when i’m alone, i’m just staring at nowhere, thinking . i can still feel the pain, hurt, loneliness and emptiness within me…i’m not yet fine, i’m not yet well… in a few hours, i’m going home…in a few hours, its my 29Th year. it’ll be different now knowing that he’s not there to pray for me as he always do whenever my birthday comes.
i’ll be going to see him… i’ll ask for his guidance, to give me strength, courage and will to move on and letting go of all the emptiness that i’m feeling right now… and i know, as always, he’ll give me not what i want… but what he thinks i need and what he thinks is right for me. i know there’ll be signs… i just have to follow, believe, trust him and most especially pray. i know he’s watching over me… he is and he will always be… my guardian angel.
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2 comments:
Hi Winnie,
Am so happy to see you on my followers list, I do hope you enjoy the posts a lot and welcome to the blogger community too :)
hi metz.
yup been following your blogs since my telus days. ive learned a lot from you since the training even if its just for weeks even until now...till then and may the power of the secret be with us always. stay happy.
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